Of things that cannot be
by GarGoyl
Summary: Michelle is in for a rude awakening but she finds true love. A bit of mix into the order of events… Michelle/Maxxie  very  short one-shot.


**OF THINGS THAT CANNOT BE**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Skins**

**Flames ****welcome,****they ****keep ****me ****warm :)** **So, ****with ****the ****authority ****invested ****in ****me ****by****… ****the ****devil ****most ****likely, ****there ****it ****is**** – ****the ****ultimate ****blasphemy**

_Michelle's POV_

The wind blew softly in the leaves and the sun sent down gentle rays upon the earth, but I could feel neither the wind nor the sun on my skin as I sat down onto the grass helplessly thinking I would never be able to move again. Tony had broken me, and now there I lay shattered into pieces, like a dead thing, consumed by pain and fury under a numb, frozen surface. I'd always thought that Tony completed me, in ways known and unknown; he was _my __love_, the love that smoothed every bump on the road, that healed every wound and filled everything in my life with meaning and joy. But I had been naively feeding myself a cruel lie, for his love was poison and it had eventually left me breathless.

His damned psychology essay had made it all crystal clear, if there had been ever any need for it. This thing between us had never been about love, but about power. He was all about that. Now he was revealed to me in his true nature and I could do nothing but stare with eyes brutally opened at his display of power. Tony Stonem was powerful, he could always have anything and, quite obviously now, he denied himself nothing. So I quietly observed from a distance as he was entertaining himself in the company of his new plaything - Maxxie. I would have felt jealous, neglected and abandoned, had I not been able to see the pattern. As such, I was overwhelmed by a mixture of sadness and disgust. It was only a matter of time until he would get bored and find someone else.

I clutched my psychology book to my chest as I watched them, allowing my mind to wander randomly. Tony laughed as he took Maxxie's spliff and took a long drag. I couldn't stop myself from remembering the last time I had kissed the lips that now blew the smoke out casually, the way they felt against mine, the way they tasted… And for no particular reason the rehearsals for that stupid school play also came to my mind – the one time when I had kissed _Maxxie_. At the time it had just been a technicality and so I could not remember how that had been whatsoever… And right then and there I wished I had that memory.

-x-

I spent the next two weeks trying to convince myself that it was just some insane post-breakup phase. Yet no matter what I did my gaze ended up on him. I had seen my pain over losing Tony dwindle and die just to be replaced by a new one, fresh and fiery. I would not dare speak it, not even to myself, not even when I was completely alone. It was plain to see and I'd known it all along, on some subconscious level, that Maxxie was everything that Tony wasn't - sweet, kind, loyal and brave. His confession in class had proved just that. Most unfortunately, while he was precious he was also completely untouchable, _forbidden_ in the most strict, literal sense of the word, and that blocked my mind from even thinking _it_. The fact that we still weren't on speaking terms helped keeping it away and I took a blessed refuge in isolation and alcohol. But it was wearing me out even in my denial and it was showing.

My heart jumped when he sat down by my side in the empty room, one afternoon after the English class. I could tell he was feeling awkward. Not even half as awkward as I though. It was almost a relief that I had a reason to pretend I was upset and avoid eye contact.

"Look 'Chelle… " he began rather unsure "I just meant to say that I'm so sorry about… about that, and it didn't mean anything, yeah?"

I sighed and opened my mouth to say something, like whatever, but he went on. "I was very upset about what Anwar had said and Tony was confused… at least he said he was confused, and hurt and… so I would just… I guess we just tried to comfort each other"

I let out a breath, feeling suddenly hurt as I lifted my gaze to glance straight into his light blue eyes that looked upon me full of concern and remorse. There it was again, like a burn into my soul, the exasperating sense of 'this will never fucking happen'. My gaze immediately dropped back to the pile of books in front of me.

"But what if _I_ was hurt, or confused, or whatever? Would you…?

_Shit! __Definitely __not __thinking __that __one__… _I turned my head to the side abruptly to witness the ultimate expression of puzzlement.

"Would I what, 'Chelle?" he asked somewhat cautious.

"I don't know Maxxie, he's just been such a fucking tosser and it's so hard to… to…" I sobbed ashamed, of my lie more than anything else, burying my face into his shoulder. It was a terrible mistake. My nostrils inhaled deeply, breathing in his scent, and his arms holding me protectively were all I'd ever wanted. I could have stayed in that embrace forever and it took all my will to pull myself away and leave without a word.

-x-

Music pumping into my veins with a will of its own, I swayed to the rhythm numbed by alcohol. It was such a welcomed feeling in the middle of my own personal hell, however short-lived and fake, a feeling of freedom. I mingled with the crowd as I danced, giving myself entirely to the music. But it wasn't like I was alone, my friends were there and _Maxxie_ was there too. Even in my drunken haze I could not shift my focus off him, not even when I closed my eyes. His proximity was positively maddening. Eventually I could not take it anymore and I stumbled, pushing my way towards the exit. I needed to breathe. I rushed outside the club into the fresh night air, trying to clear my head. It was freezing cold and almost a rainstorm by the looks of it, but I abandoned myself to the biting wind and the icy rain nevertheless, allowing it to whip across my cheeks, sting my closed eyelids and mingle with my tears.

"You ok, 'Chelle?" I heard Maxxie's voice behind me and I turned slowly. I pulled my wet hair out of my eyes rather clumsily as I managed to whisper a choked "No"

"But what's wrong?"

Once again he was standing way too close and I couldn't stop myself crying. For the second time in… actually not so long, I was unable to draw a deep breath and compose myself. And then my mouth got way ahead of my brain.

"I've been struggling for a while now… to keep quiet… but I can't, I can't…"

"About what, 'Chelle?" he asked sincerely worried and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. I flinched and pulled away, shaking my head.

"I _love __you_, Maxxie!" I blurted out in one breath. "I fucking love you and it fucking hurts, yeah?" I all but screamed. "You're just so close and yet so far, so far, and I cannot touch you and it just rips right through me, yeah? And I had to say it, but it's not like I'm asking anything… I'm not, I swear…" And once all out I stood there, feeling absolutely pathetic, in the pouring cold rain, choking with my tears, eyes closed, and waiting for the sky to come crushing down on my head because I'd just uttered the unconceivable.

It was like a jolt of electricity when I felt first the tip of his nose brushing against mine and then his lips pressing ever so gently on my own. It was not real.

_You're drunk Michelle, not to mention crazy and this is totally not happening_

Then his warm hand cupped the side of my face and the kiss deepened. It was _magic_. Still a bit disbelieving I wrapped my arms around his neck as his fingers tangled in my wet hair.

"It's ok, 'Chelle" Maxxie murmured against my lips and took hold of one of my hands, just to press it against his chest. "And I know it's a bit… y'know…weird, but…me too"

"Take me away from here, Maxxie" I whispered and he agreed, silently.

It had been the darkest night, but I would wake up to sunshine.

**THE END**


End file.
